“Oh Jesus Christ, did he just heave? Holy fuck I can’t deal with vomit. Oh my god, I think I feel sick, I bet the little clingy slobbery sod has passed it on to me. How am I going to cope with projectile puke when I need to be sick. Shit I think my mouth just started watering a bit. FFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKKK”
I’m pretty sure not one of you actually enjoys throwing up, it’s not a pleasant experience for anyone HOWEVER I would like to claim the prize for person least able to cope with puke. If I get even the slightest queasy feeling my brain just completely goes into overdrive, I start to sweat, my heart feels ready to jump out of my chest and I have some kind of mini panic attack. yes it’s ridiculous! At 28 years of age I should be able to handle a tiny little bit of vomit, not to mention of course that I have two little bug breeding machines living in my house I seriously should be used to it by now.
I’m just generally not good with illness at all, don’t get me wrong I’m a mother, do-er of everything and therefore if I get the flu or my left arm is hanging off I still have little choice but to crack on. If one of the kids gets ill, or even before they get ill, if one of them sneezes more than once in 24 hours I get completely neurotic and start googling symptoms. In nearly seven years this
completely insane very protective in a caring way routine has remained the same, as consistent as my completely insane quirky puke aversion it goes like this:
- Meningitis- “Thomas you look a bit warm, are you ok? Are you sure? Do you feel sick? Are you sure you don’t feel sick? OK well come over here then. You feel warm, PAUL GET THE THERMOMETOR THOMAS IS ILL. Ok Thomas does your head hurt? are you sure? Just look at the light. Oh shit he squinted, PAUL HURRY UP HE IS SENSITIVE TO THE LIGHT. YES I KNOW ITS A BRIGHT FUCKING LIGHT, HURRY UP HE COULD BE SUFFERING FROM MENINGITIS HERE AND YOUR WASTING TIME! meningitis is nothing love don’t worry. No you won’t die. What have I told you about TV adverts, it’s all lies. Now is your neck stiff turn it to the side… more… more… more… keep going, yes you can stretch it more than that. Oh bollocks he says it hurts. PAUL HURRY THE FUCK UP! Take you’re socks off let me feel you’re feet. No I’m not weird this is necessary, they feel cold. I know its freezing today but still your feet are like ice. Ok buddy lets just put this in your ear. Don’t worry you can sleep in mummy’s bed tonight Daddy will have to stay on the sofa. 36.8, your fine kid carry on. Yes I know you told me so. No you cannot sleep in my bed there’s nothing wrong with you.”
- Sickness bug- Thomas are you ok? You coughed a bit just then and swallowed afterwards, do you feel sick? are you going to be sick? I’m not panicking I’m just concerned. No I’m the adult here I do not panic over a bit of vomit. I know there’s not actually been any vomit but there is the potential for vomit if you feel sick! I’m not panicking. OK I’m panicking a bit. Will you make sure you get it in the sink or the toilet because you know how I loose my shit if I have to clean it up and then I throw up on top of your puke and its just a fucking nightmare. Thanks lad, you’re the best. Are you sure you don’t feel sick though? I do a little bit now.
- Chicken pox- “Paul Henry has chicken pox. Yes I’m sure this time. He has all of the symptoms, he’s been moody and clingy and streaming with a cold for the past few weeks. Yes, he is always moody and clingy but he doesn’t always have a cold! I know he’s teething again but so what, he’s got a spot now as well on the back of his right leg. There’s no head on it yet no, but it looks like there’s gonna be soon. I overheard a woman at playgroup saying her nieces, best friend’s, next-door-but-three neighbour had them so he’s probably caught it from her kid. Yes it’s possible do you know how contagious it is?! I’m just going to text all the other mums who we have been in contact with this week to warn them. Done. What do you mean the spot has gone? It was there ten minutes ago in the bath. Let me see. For fuck sake, I’ll text the other mums tomorrow and say it went overnight, I don’t want them thinking that I’m nuts or anything.
Told you I’m
completely useless not the best with illness. I am never cool calm or collected but throw an illness in and I immediately start to loose my mind Britney style!
If ever you feel genuinely worried for your child’s well-being contact 111 (UK) for medical advice.