I had one of those heart stopping moments earlier, you know the ones where your phone has disappeared into the Bermuda triangle known as (fake) Mulberry, yes the Handbag! My life is on my phone and once you think it may be gone theirs no gong back, you HAVE to find it immediately before you actually die.
with sweaty palms and whilst slightly hyperventilating i spewed the contents of my handbag onto the shop floor. Upon emptying it onto the shop floor I realized how much my life had changed in the past ten years!
Gone are the days of phone, tampon, condom (I may have been slightly ‘loose lipped’ but at least I was safe!) lip gloss, bronzer and a pair of clean knickers (safe AND clean, what a catch!).
Nervously scrambling through the dumper truck worth of shit I found:
- An empty sweet packet, family sized but consumed solely by yours truly!
- A packet of pasta in sauce, good for slimming world, uneaten due to over-consumption of sweets.
- A book, for those ten seconds I get at the play center before I get dragged into some hideous ball pit with not only your feral beasts but other people’s as well!
- Henry’s beanie hat, one of about a hundred. I’m pretty sure this is the one he robbed from TKmaxx because unless I was still drunk from the night be fore’s wine I would NOT have paid for this one!
- A notepad and pen, just in case blog inspiration hits me while I’m doing something when I’m out and about, also a good distraction for screaming toddlers if you can’t sexy bribe the other half and end up taking the little love to Asda with you!
- 4 loose Lemsips. Who knows, I’ve not even been ill this winter!
- half a board of Kirby grips because what can’t they fix! Handy for when your button pops off your jeans (or you eat too much and have to undo your button!). I’ve given up bothering about my hair these days so they’re purely for other stuff.
- An electric fag, yep still using it as a pacifier and five lighters just because the pacifier doesn’t always work!
- A chewed up organic kids snack bar, I’m pretty sure I remember being starving and attempting to eat this in order to stop myself dying before I could reach a watering hole however it was gross! have you tasted these things? urgh! No wonder we grow up craving chocolate, its our subconscious doing its best to stop us eating this crap ever again!
- A whoopee cushion, sme wooden building blocks and a piece of train track, I have two boys, enough said.
- Two left over boiled sweets and a mini packet of love hearts, now consumed.
- A Christmas card addressed to Thomas, I’m against the idea of Christmas cards anyway but thanks for the thoughtful gesture child who shall not be named in order to avoid Thomas being crossed of the list next year.
- My “Lost” bank card that I cancelled last week causing me massive inconvenience!
- A nappy, luckily unused although I wouldn’t have been surprised if there had been a used one in there. Don’t judge you would be surprised how many places don’t have nappy bins in the toilets!
- various empty sweets wrappers and old receipts, I would like to blame the kids but I don’t have a mother controlling my daily sugar intake so I eat way more sweets than them!
- spice girls greatest hits CD, in case of low self-esteem and lack-of-self-worth moments and also handy as an ice scraper for car windows.
- General ming, crumbs, slimy stuff and grossness. I didn’t even open the pockets because that’s a whole other article.
- My phone! hidden under all of the mess and lying in some sticky substance there it was, phew! I did get some strange looks when I took it out and wiped it on my jeans leg before handing it over, force of habit, my jeans were already full of crap anyway, did I mention I have two boys?
- And finally stuck to the back of my phone, noticed as I was handing it over to the shop keeper, a massive night-time sanitary pad/maternity pad because tampons can no longer handle my post-kids heavy flow. To be fair it really didn’t make any difference he already thought I was gross anyway!
I am a blogging misfit, organisation is not my strong point, this is my handbag let’s not even talk about the now ruined Pink Lining nappy bag i was so desperate for and was going to look after forever. I shit you not all of that was in my handbag and we have a separate nappy bag too! I would ask what the contents of our handbags says about us as people but I’m terrified of the answer so instead I will stick with:
What little secrets do you have hiding away in your bag? Is there anyone out there as gross as me?