Anyone else think cupid is a seriously weird looking little fucker? I mean seriously a man wearing a nappy and trying to shoot you with an arrow is the stuff nightmares are made of so why the hell do we waste insane amounts of money trying to get the bastard to pay us a visit?
Valentines day isn’t something I’ve ever celebrated, in large part because by the time by boobs grew big enough to attract boys I was a Mosher/Goth and its totally not in the code to celebrate such pleasantries, do I feel like my life has suffered in any way because I don’t have a million stuffed animals holding love hearts and some cards filled with cheesy poems? Nope!
Completely new concept it seems, but if you do love someone, fancy some one, just wanna have sex with someone, spare yourself fifty quid and just tell them! Not on February the 14th because its cheesy, predictable and if it’s been a year since you last told them, probably not even true! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SPEND A FORTUNE OF YOUR HARD EARNED CASH IN ORDER TO LET SOMEONE KNOW YOU WANT TO GET YOU’RE LEG OVER!
To me it seems obvious that valentines day was a concept made up by some man who decided that the money he would spend would totally be worth the blowie he gets on March 14th which conveniently is ‘Steak and blow job day’ (the lengths some men will go to) a day designed to make up for the effort required on valentines day, well I don’t know about you but if the effort put in is that annoying it requires a reward I will save myself some jaw ache and they can keep the cheesy gift thank you!
The cost of valentines day if you choose to celebrate it is insane, I would have to re-mortgage just to afford the amount of veet needed to get sex ready, I mean who plans a luuurrve celebration in the middle of winter, that’s prime no need for shaving time! Not to mention the new underwear, because unless Paul has suddenly taken a fancy to belly warmers no amount of fanny waxing is going to make up for my now grey coloured granny pants. Taking into consideration the meal, flowers, insanely expensive card is it really worth it when you could just tell someone that you love them? The fact that valentines day babies are a real thing, and a lot of people get preggers on February 14th means I would have to purchase condoms, double bagging would be essential, did you know valentines day originates from the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia, a fertility celebration. enough said. Be safe or be sorry lovelies!
Valentines day seems to be like a hidden test, a way of measuring how much your partner loves you. If he loves you enough you get a dozen roses, which are twice as expensive this week as they will be next week by the way, you will spend half an hour writing an instagram post about how lucky you are, how in love you are, how he is the other half of your soul and you don’t know what you would do without him, edit the photo to death to make it extra special looking and post it for all of your followers to admire. Perfect. If your partner doesn’t get you anything at all you will pretend you don’t care and still write a soppy post, probably using a really shit meme, while giving the inconsiderate knob the silent treatment.
The reality is of course that life isn’t as perfect as your valentines day instagram story, he still pissed all over the toilet seat AND the floor this morning, his clothes are still at the SIDE of the laundry basket and for the other 364 days of the year you are still expected to crack on and not complain, not to mention in order to get these flowers you had to drop lots of ‘subtle‘ reminders into conversation everyday for the past two weeks and resort to sticking pictures of flowers and love hearts on the fridge!
Valentines day is just an excuse to pretend that love is perfect and I don’t believe that a relationship ever is. Relationships take work, constant work not just one day a year work, we need to tell the one we love that they are worth all the shit they put us through everyday, we need to apologise for the shit we put them through everyday and we absolutely DO NOT need to spend £5.99 on a shitty card in Clintons (or the petrol station if you’re as organised as me) to do it.
Valentines day is there to make us all secretly miserable, you’re single well guess what you were single yesterday and you probably will be tomorrow, valentines day is no different, buy yourself some dairy milk and give yourself some loving, let’s face it sometimes self-loving is often the best kind!
If your other half doesn’t get you anything then wahey! on the 14th March you will be chilling with a glass of wine smirking at him while all his friends are getting blow jobs, revenge is a dish best served cold.
If your other half gets you a dozen roses then that’s great, stop obsessing over the fact that loose lips Linda got a dozen roses AND a 6ft tall teddy bear, who cares! Can you imagine that oversized kids toy staring at you while your doing the obligatory “thank you for not being shit and giving me a reason to brag on social media” shag! And there’s a reason she got that nickname by the way, you don’t get a six foot bear for free.
February 14th is just another day so keep calm and carry the fuck on, you are amazing whatever your relationship status, if you do choose to celebrate though be careful because 18 years of hard work could all come from ten minutes of cupid induced silliness!