You know those weeks when you just feel like screaming “GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!” well that’s how this week has gone, I haven’t posted in a full week and to be honest my love of blogging although only discovered recently feels like its packed up and fucked off, much like my motivation to do anything at all other than keeping myself and the children alive.
I started off 2017 so positive and full of beans, new year new attitude and all that jazz but to be honest life has a way of kicking you in the balls just when you feel like your starting to do OK.
I’ve always been very open about my struggle with depression and anxiety on here and I feel like I’ve documented the highs a lot and so I think it’s only right that the lows get a mention too, I hate to not be my usual “don’t shave your fanny, all be friends, lets go and live in a commune and only eat what we grow” kind of self but I seriously feel like I have lost any happiness I have recently found this week.
The dark cloud that I had managed to shoo away has returned full force and has been lingering over my head, threatening to explode into a full blown storm at any second and it’s turning me into a major bitch! I thought I had finally managed to control it, get a grip of the things that triggered the bastard and sent me into some kind of downward spiral of self pity and paranoia, what I forgot is that this is an illness not a lifestyle choice and how can I control something that isn’t controllable.
The problem with these flare ups is that they are triggered by life, the shit that happens all around you that you can’t control, so universe if your listening please give a girl a break and send some positive vibes my way because frankly your pissing me right off.
I witnessed death for the first time, a complete phobia I’ve had since as far back as I can remember. To say it healed me completely and it was lovely and peaceful would be a lie, it scared me shitless. It was peaceful and calm and if I had to choose a death it would go in a similar way but it’s never going to be nice. To see a human make that transition from life to whatever is next reinforces the fact that we are all only here for a short time, that one day I will die. I won’t live forever and that is a hard pill to swallow, despite knowing this already. For someone who is anxious already the fear of death and the realisation that it could happen at any time sends my already fragile psyche into overdrive and I’m not sure how to deal with that.
This week has been a complete head fuck, Henry had an appointment about his heart murmur after above incident happened, que bat shit crazy style meltdown. Obviously Henry was going to have some rare as fuck heart condition that even the most senior cardiologists had never heard of and it would probably get called Henryopathy after him because he would obvs be the first person EVER to have it. He would definitely die, my world would end, how could I ever live on after that. Thomas would get taken away because I was nuts and have to go and live with my mum and I would have to take up some kind of drug, not sure what because it takes me twenty minutes to swallow an ibuprofen and the thought of a needle makes me want to vomit, maybe crack you can smoke that right?! Bollocks I’m even crap at drug addiction! I would eventually get sober because I would remember my other son who was now also a drug addict because I had been such a shit mother and completely screwed up his life. You get the idea. Bat shit crazy style meltdown.
I then had the high after the storm, Henry does have a hole in his heart that will need monitoring but it will likely heal itself and it’s nothing “to get excited about” as the consultant put it, seriously, excited?! are you fucking kidding me, I’ve spent a week in mourning for my child that is actually pretty healthy and googling first class drugs that don’t require swallowing (interesting results, you should give it a whirl) I’m completely excited that its nothing to worry about! I will forgive this consultant because he was awesome, crazy as fuck and I did consider the possibility that he himself had been on speed or something similar but Henry loved him and even gave him a kiss on the way out, I was also tempted to go in for the snog after he had just made my week however he was about 4ft tall and married, still might of if Paul hadn’t been there though!
The biggest problem with depression for me is that when you NEED to do all of things you’ve put into place to help you manage your thoughts and feelings and get through the shit times, your brain shuts down. You stop wanting to help yourself, the blogging hasn’t happened, the CBT hasn’t happened, I’ve just let it all consume me instead of fighting back. Sometimes I question whether I actually want it to consume me, the familiarity of feeling so low is almost comforting in some twisted way, I know what it feels like and I can function so why put all this effort into feeling differently just for it all to be erased the second the slightest thing goes wrong.
The answer of course is that one day I will have more control over how I feel and how I make other people feel. I will be able to stop the cloud before it puts a shadow over me. I will be able to just be happy without all the effort. I will be the best me that I can be.
I’m going to book some holidays off work, spend some time with the people I love, spend some time with my boys. I’m going to surround myself with love and friendship and fuck everyone else. Negativity cannot have a place in my life anymore, and therefore neither can the people that make me feel inadequate.
This week has been rough but hey I made it through, what choice did I have?
It took wine (lots of wine) the odd cigarette and an unfortunate amount of hair loss but I’m back to feeling positive again. I’ve learned a lot about myself this week, I’ve learned that I cannot control everything and that actually that’s ok, I’ve learned that forcing myself to carry on doing the things that help me is essential next time I start to feel low – running and hiding makes it worse, and I’ve learned that I’m stronger and far more amazing than I give myself credit for.
I’ve also learned that if all else fails, there are drugs that you can smoke so I’m good. Hey it’s always good to have a back up plan. Jokes obvs. xx