If parenting came with a job description would you have applied?

Extremely patient, caring, slightly insane person wanted for a very badly paid post.  Must be approachable, sensitive and compassionate.

The immediate effects of the post include but are not exclusively, massive weight gain, stretch marks, engorged breasts, insane mood swings, unexplained bouts of crying followed by excessive anger, vomiting, constipation, piles and an aversion to previously loved foods.

The post requires a flexible person who works well on very little to no sleep, our client group enjoy nothing more than late night milk guzzling sessions and playing peek-a-boo at 3AM.

We need staff to be comfortable with a complete lack of social life as no holidays or days off will be given unless you can guilt trip somebody into caring for your offspring for 1-2 hours while you grab a bit of time to yourself, hours that you are likely to sleep away due to working conditions previously mentioned.

Our caregivers must not expect to have any kind of sex life unless it involves a quickie in the bathroom whilst holding the door closed with one foot and making little to no noise, this is accepted only if your offspring is either napping (no noise is then essential) or engrossed in a Disney film, in the latter instance it would be essential to make sure that there is at least twenty minutes of the film left in order to give adequate time to perform task and avoid your offspring walking in and asking why you and daddy are playing wrestling in the bath. No additional funding will be given toward any counselling sessions needed if you do not follow parenting policy.  Wedging the door closed is a safety hazard and is not recommended.

Partner must be accepting of body hair particularly in the bikini line area which applicants will only make time to groom if offspring requires swimming session and applicant is unable to find shorts to cover very excessive body hair.

Applicants must have a solid relationship capable of withstanding previously mentioned conditions as well as an increasing resentment of each other due to feelings of inequality and hatred towards spouse caused by burdening you with aforementioned offspring.  Relationships often suffer at best and dissolve all together at worst, all spare hours (if any) should be dedicated to maintaining your relationship by talking about nothing other than the offspring and bonding again over your shared frustrations.

Applicants will be expected to agree to a wage of £82.80 child benefit per month non-negotiable with no option for unpaid sick leave due to job being a year round position, circumstances such as illness, physical or mental, are irrelevant.

High chance of sickness due to offspring catching every germ they come into contact with particularly if you are lucky enough to be able to afford nursery fees, also high rates of depression and anxiety often related to hormone changes and commonly referred to as “post-natal depression” applicant will be expected to ‘soldier on’ as offspring require continuous care regardless.

Applicants must accept the presence of unprecedented amounts of snot, vomit, urine and the far to frequent poonami.  Applicants need not be comfortable with the above however will still have to deal with them when the situation requires action, this is expected to be about 100 times a day for the first three months slowly reducing over the first four years of your contract until eventually your offspring is well-trained enough to manage said situations independently (this is a rough estimation and time scales many vary).

Applicants must perform well under pressure and be able to manage challenging behaviour effectively, no training will be given.  Applicants must be aware of the likely hood they will be in receipt of verbal, physical and mental abuse starting with niplash should you choose to breastfeed (when offspring squeezes nipple between gums whilst throwing head in backwards motion) and the pulling of any hair applicant has left after three months of colic and night feeds.  Behaviour is expected to gradually become more challenging and the above is followed by supermarket meltdowns, physically assaulting other children, throwing objects of varying weights at applicant and others before eventually developing into verbal and mental torture.

Applicants are expected to have the skills of a Nurse, cleaner, chef, law enforcement officer, accountant, counsellor and social worker just to mention a few.

Applicants must be goal driven and offspring must meet government set targets and development goals in order to prevent applicant feeling like a complete failure, applicants must also be of strong character and avoid getting dragged into the mother games and competing for offspring superiority.  Applicants must try at all times to stick to both the girl code and the parenting code meaning that judging your fellow parenting colleagues is against ALL parenting policies.

Benefits to this vacency include lots of hugs, lots of laughs and lots of fun as well as most importantly a whole lot of love.

Applicants can be assured that no matter the pressures of the job it is all worth it (when they are in bed and you can do the cleaning in peace!).