Today has been a bitch, I mean seriously never mind “If Marks and Spencer’s made days…” today has been an “If Iceland made days…” kinda day.
I got in this morning at around 01:30am, did my usual pissed up stumble around the house not looking for anything in particular just being slightly amused at how funny it was when the room was spinning, went up to bed and lay there. As the room gradually slowed down I remembered that I had taken an extra 45 minutes and a full packet of razors in the shower to shave my foof and I would be damned if I didn’t cash in on it!
Needless to say the other half was far from impressed with my drunken slurs however was impressed that for the first time in a year he wouldn’t have to spend twenty minutes trekking through the foliage to actually find his destination, and I think he felt a bit sorry for me, so woke himself up a bit. Some may call this a “sympathy shag” I call it a “I’ll take what I can when the two feral beasts are sleeping shag”.
Either way I wont go into the ins and outs (haha) but just as I lay my, now slightly more sober, head on the pillow and closed my eyes the littlest tinker (and winner of todays least favourite child award) decided now was a good time to wake up. Seriously. By this point it was somewhere around 3:00 from what I could make out on my phone (which wasn’t a lot considering the only glasses I had on were beer goggles) and he didn’t go back to sleep. At all.
Now considering I hardly ever go out, like seriously once a year, you would think that my knight in shining armour who had so valiantly just been waving his sword around would have gotten up and taken care of said screaming child wouldn’t you?
Well no, he didn’t bother, instead between snores he muttered something about going for the snip and then dropped right back off to sleep. what a knob!
(yep I was this ☝️ drunk!)
Downstairs, a black coffee, a few puffs on the E-cig later and through slightly clearer vision it dawned on me, there are so many things that are better in life if you have a penis.
this series of events inspired todays blog:
5 reasons why I want to grow a dick.
I’m convinced that having a dick gives you sleeping super powers. Screaming kid? you will totally sleep through that, I mean why would you have to wake up when there is a woman who lacks these dick induced sleep powers, asleep right there next to you.
World war three outside? The power of the penis will save you from having to wake up and endure the horror. Having a knob is a total melatonin stimulator I swear to god!
2. I would never have to shave again.
Since I started this blog I’ve never made a secret of the fact that I hate shaving, to the point that, unless I’m going swimming and my pubes are gonna peep out of my swimming costume and potentially scare a small child, who doesn’t realise I’m just lazy and could mistake me for a yeti, I just don’t bother.
If I had a dick then all my shaving problems would be completely wiped off! Men don’t care if small children mistake them for yeti’s, in fact they would probably be flattered that a small child is terrified of them, it’s probably macho or something. I would love for it to not be weird that I have more body hair than a chimpanzee, this is another reason I want a knob because then it would be ok!
3. I would get a day off!
So if a woman has a day off work, that’s her day to clean, batch cook the next weeks meals (which I never get round to doing, #mumfail), spend some quality time with the kids, stress over the fact that there is more laundry than even dot cotton could handle and generally not have a day off at all!
If only I was blessed with a one-eyed snake I could sit and relax, whilst my poor sod of a girlfriend, who had the misfortune of having a vagina, took the kids out on play dates and prepared my meals and did my washing, meantime I would sit at home trying to figure out where that cleaning fairy came from last night while I was sleeping, and polished and mopped and stuff. Then when that all got too much I would go for a shower or a nap. Anyone else wish they had a knob yet?
4.I could scratch my genitals anywhere, anytime.
If I had a cock I could slip my hands down my pants anytime I wanted. I wouldn’t have to do a funny cross-legged walk every time I got an itch, or sit on my foot to discreetly try to get rid of it, I would simply waz my hand down there and give my balls a good old scratch. No shame. Seriously when did it become ok for anyone to do that? or maybe I should be asking why it’s NOT ok for everyone to do that (providing they wash their hands afterwards! yuck!). Jury’s out on that one but if I had a knob I would never have to suffer the inconvenience of an itch again!
5.I would never again have to pretend I didn’t fart because I’m a lady.
Men are allowed to fart any place, any time. If a man guffs it’s hilarious! Other men love it! If however you’re not blessed with a boom stick then you better hold that gas in! I would love to be able to let it all out, yes fellas, you heard it right, us ladies trump too! And if we let it all go church or chapel then I’m pretty convinced we wouldn’t be met with a round of applause and a high-five!
Obviously this post is purely for comedy value and not all men, or women can be tarred with the same brush, but seriously for my birthday, I would just like a dick please.