I swear to flipping god if I have to do the swashbuckle cheer one more time I might actually flip my lid.
The first couple of times, in fact the first fifty thousand times, Henry recited it to me it was so cute! he was a genius!
I always knew that under that grubby babbling façade lay great intellect, just waiting to break through the snot and the dribble and present itself in all its glory, in this case through the medium of a completely shit made up pirate cheer.
When your child learns something new its so novel, exciting even, you think how amazing it is that a few months ago they couldn’t even say “mama” and now here they are telling you about pirate hats and eye patches.
Surprisingly quickly it gets annoying and your urging them to shut the fuck up for five minutes, just why you just try to block out the annoying noise of cbeebies and try to remember the days your life was about more than kids TV and you could actually watch the equally mind numbing ‘Made in Chelsea’ in peace, at least they speak actual words and don’t break into some god awful song every five minutes!
To me kids TV is just another way of making us all feel inadequate. I mean seriously does anyone actually have enough energy to bounce around all day like those presenters? its not normal. I swear the drinks order in a morning goes something like “I’ll have a skinny latte, twenty five sugars, and a couple of speed please”
At 6AM when the delightful (annoying as fuck) presenters come on, all glammed up after being in make-up for god knows how long, whilst some poor sod, who probably would also rather be in bed, contours their faces into permanent smiles, I’ve been up for two or three hours some days, I look like crap, I resemble a raccoon the dark circles around my eyes have gotten that big and quite frankly there is nothing in the world I can think I give less of a shit about than the fucking birthday song!
I really don’t care how old Oliver from the midlands is today, at this point I’m not even sure how old my own kids are today!
They should make it a rule that the only song allowed on TV before 9AM is the sleeping bunnies song, with an extra long sleeping section and no “hop hop hopping” allowed!
I would have much more love for cbeebies if they kept it real, put the presenters on with their hair stood up on end, no make-up, if anything a make-down, a cup of coffee in one hand and a phone in the other, a few wet patches around the boob area from last nights milk leakage and show our children that its not just their parents that are complete fuck ups and need some sleep!
I must admit though the Tom Hardy bedtime story made up for at least a months worth of shitty morning TV, well played Cbeebies, good on you for thinking of all the mummy’s over the festive period!
*disclaimer* the views in this blog are purely a rant, please NEVER take cbeebies off air or I will have to actually pay for a babysitter to entertain my children for an hour a day (possibly more, but who’s counting) whilst I check my social media and drink my brew while it is still hot.
I will leave you with this thought that has being looping in my head all day, and night, even when I’m trying to bloody sleep!:
(Hat: two littles, Long sleeved tee: mummy_and_the_beast, Leggings: Trendytotsthreads)