Well here it is, that foggy area somewhere between Christmas and new year when we all start to think “this time next year…”
If your anything like me the majority of the time these thoughts remain in the
“oh shit! I forgot and ate cake”
box in the back of your mind, until the next year, when stuffed full of said cake and wine you start to fantasize of a world where your skinny jeans don’t fill a radiator all by themselves when you put them out too dry!
Why do we do it? It’s just another day!
We do it because there is something refreshing about a new year, some hope in the general shittyness of day-to-day life. We want to change; we want to be better parents, better lovers and become better people.
The problem I have with the above is that
I wonder who I want to be ‘better’ for.
Is it myself? Is it my children? Is it the affectionately labelled ‘Dream teams’ I try so desperately to fit in with and fail every time because the fakeness makes me cringe and puke a bit in my mouth!
I have a serious children’s clothes obsession and the instagram community is the first place I feel like I fit in, because to most what your toddler wears is irrelevant but for me it’s somthing I love. I love to plan what I will dress Henry in, what to pair with what and seriously as sad as it sounds I have spent my past year trying out every possible instashop I have come across, making my one and a half year old look shit hot (he does always look amazing thanks to my credit card and a shit load of overtime) and on reflection subconsciously thinking maybe that would make me liked in some ‘cool by association’ kind of way. Pretty bad times when your hopes of acceptance are balancing on your toddlers very unsteady but stylish shoulders!
I have attended groups and outings that have made me feel uncomfortable at best and like a complete dick at worst! I have reached out to people in a feeble attempt to make friends, I have tried to help when I could and I offer reassurance to a struggling mum, without even trying I mean after all no matter how awful their child is being that day, my feral little beasts are seriously on a whole new level, a fact that is usually backed up by big beastie smashing my friends show-home style mirror with a football and then doing a celebratory knee slide across the beautiful clean rug. Little beastie is obviously trying to shove a piece of Lego up the cats arse at this point, or eating a live snail (both of these things have happened, I swear the kids really are feral!). Needless to say we rarely get invited back anywhere or get return visitors, BUT, the other mama sleeps well knowing that however fucked up her day has been she probably wont have to remove small bricks from up an even smaller shit filled hole!
I’ve tried to fit in I really have, I nod and agree and when my opinion slips out like word vomit I quickly clean up the mess and suck on a “be nice” mint. The truth of the matter is this. I don’t agree with exclusion based on anything, race, gender, what shoes you wear or who’s ass you can kiss the most and I certainly don’t agree on anyone having to suppress an opinion to impress anyone, and this, weirdly, really pisses people off! Us Brits seem to hate nothing more than confrontation, so much so that even if we think someone is chatting complete shit we nod and agree and say things like “yes, I know what you mean” and “Your right, I was just thinking the same thing” my ultimate peeve being “Everyone is entitled to an opinion” which basically means that everyone else is entitled to an opinion apart from me because I am trying to be nice so I won’t bore you with what I really think.
The conclusion to this introduction is this… 2016 can kiss my giant arse! Its been rough, Financially, emotionally and my sanity has taken a beating big style! I’m not promising too loose fifteen stone in 2017, become a sex goddess or even introduce my fanny to my razor if I’m completely honest, but I can learn to appreciate what I have more, I have a bestie who I don’t see enough but I know would be there when i need her and I can keep the promise to myself that I will write this blog, for myself and for my children.
I don’t want my boys growing up to think that holding back is best because you don’t want to offend people, I want them to be proud of their beautiful wild little minds. I want them to flip the bird at anyone who wants to dull their thoughts and creativity. This year this will be my outlet, not for personally attacking anyone but for venting, for feeling and for showing my boys that there is a way to express yourself and be accepted. Just for being you.
And who knows maybe my glass is half full after all x